Soul Soup for Two

I am absolutely, and royally, f***ed.

I cannot even imagine how I have let myself down this much.

These finals were supposed to be the thing that saved my grades. Saved me.

And yet as I sat each exam, there were so many things that I did not know, or I forgot, or I could not begin to even answer. There are words on the page but there is nothing in my brain.

I am so so screwed.

No university will want me now. How am I supposed to –

And I tried. That is what hurts even more. I really, really tried. But my eyes blurred and my brain would not catch on and my mind just tangled in all the information and –

No one will believe me.

My parents will say “How could you do this? These were important. Do you not value your future? What were you doing in your room for all those hours? Are you going to forever be a child? And run away to your imaginations and comforts? How could you do this?”

They will be so let down. Disapointed. Give up. They will not believe me.

My classmates will say “You always do this. You complain and worry but you always get A’s, 90’s. You’re being dramatic. It will be fine.”

They will be surprised. Straight A student’s do not get B’s and C’s. How did that happen? They will ask. She must have fallen off. We did not see that coming. They will not believe me

How can I face them? Knowing I’ve disapointed them, played the part of a fraud.

I let them believe.

I let them believe I am a lazy teenager who doesn’t want to take responsibility for the future, who will amount to nothing, with no passion and no accolades.

I let them believe that I am dramatic, a goody-two-shoes, and a good, wonderful student.

I don’t know what is wrong with me. I know what will happen. I know the consequences. So how could I have let it happen?

What kind of person looks the incoming train in the eye and lets it run over them?? They stand firm. Their limbs locked, eyes trained ahead.

But their brain yelling at them: RUN, RUN YOU IDIOT

What kind of person?

I don’t know what is wrong with me.

All I can do now is wait.

Wait for the aftermath. My report card is not out yet.

When it is, I can say to you all, I told you so.

I told you I was struggling.

But they will not believe me.

Thyme xx